“If you’re able to use your mind instead of being used by your mind, that’s a beautiful thing. To use your mind constructively.” — Eckhart Tolle
My 16-year-old son asked me once, “Why don’t you have any dumb friends?” It was after a dinner party with my tight-knit group of graduate school girlfriends. I took it as a slightly twisted, totally teenage type of compliment.
It’s true. I tend to gravitate toward smart people. It’s not intentional, it just happens. Even though I left my career as an international economist, my circle of friends hasn’t changed. It’s not surprising, though, that a few of them were a little perplexed at my stepping away from the world of income, accolades, and intellectualism, first to be with my kids, and more recently (and more oddly) to explore New Age spiritual ideas.
A couple of comments on a recent post reflect what I love most about my inner circle of smart, successful, fascinating girlfriends. They can think analytically. They won’t be spoon-fed. They will question. And they’re not afraid to tell you so. It’s why I always want them on my team.
My suggestion in the post to question the validity of the stream of thoughts running through our heads, to really observe the patterns from a deeper place, may have sounded like I was saying that thought is bad. What I was trying to say was that crazy-making, ego-driven thoughts crowd out the deeper, purposeful intelligence that lies below.
I will admit that when I first read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, I went a little overboard in my mind-clearing efforts. I was bumping into walls for a few weeks, so completely immersed in “The Now” that I couldn’t even plan what to have for dinner. Two years have passed, and I’ve got my sea legs again.
The trick has been to find a few moments of stillness each day (easier now that the Olympics are over and the TV isn’t on 24/7 in my athlete-dominated home). Taking two or three conscious breaths from time to time clears out the not-to-be-trusted thoughts.
And when I feel the sensation of tension or anxiousness arise, I go inward to look for the source of where it’s coming from. Almost always it’s because of something that happened in the past that I can’t do anything about or something I anticipate might happen in the future. If I can take action to address a situation, I do it. If I can’t, I recognize it for what it is, put it in the category of “Everything happens for a reason,” and let go of it. That’s my basic formula. I’m rarely 100% successful (especially when I’m parenting), but I keep trying. It’s made life better.
For those of you who find the prospect of reading Tolle’s work a bit too daunting, an interview he gave to ABC World News in 2009 provides a pretty good summary. His explanation of what he means by “ego” is especially helpful. (Though I knew that Oprah was a huge supporter of Tolle’s work, I cringed a little to learn that Paris Hilton is also a fan, but there’s that ego of mine…) Click here to read it.
Thanks for the comments — keep ’em coming!
Marcia says
When people discuss “work-life” balance, it’s often about family responsibilities versus “work” (outside or inside the house, professional or artistic). Where is the “third dimension”, the time of which you speak: when people pause, reflect and re-charge the batteries. I notice with the little children who go into a frenetic tailspin that they need time to “wind down”, or decompress. So, too, for us adults.
So let’s add to the “work-life” balance another piece: work-life-self, or work-life-being?
Then we need time in the garden, sailing (for me, that’s one of the most peaceful times, with the wind blowing gently and the water gurgling on the hull), walking in the woods …
Thanks, Martha. I’m taking one of those deep breaths – and grateful that I am free enough from constant demands to do so! For some men and women, the constant demands (jump up, grab coffee, shower, get household organized to leave the house, deliver children to daycare/school, respond to emails on the fly, commute etc etc leaves little time for quiet breathing). How fortunate some of us are to have some time to breathe!
Martha says
Isn’t “self” encompassed within “life”? I agree with you, Marcia, that people forget this. And it really doesn’t take that much time, even in those busy chapters of our lives. Taking 30 seconds before we start the ignition of the car, not answering every single phone call that comes in, forcing a short break from screen time from time to time. Even turning off the radio in the car, which has been hugely helpful to me. You also need to give yourself credit for making life choices that allow you to have your time on the water. You could have your schedule too full to do so, but you have chosen to prioritize differently. Good for you!
Bill Apablasa says
Martha, if you’re taking applications for friends who aren’t that smart…I’d be happy to apply. I would make your son proud! Bill
Martha says
Yes, Bill, I knew immediately when I first read your work that you are not smart. Your application is accepted. Thank you for applying. Martha