“How you experience life isn’t about what happens to you, but about how you react to it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
When was the last time a perfect stranger swore at you?
I’m talking heavy duty “I hate you and I’d like to hurt you” kind of swearing from someone you’ve never seen before in your life?
It happened to me a few days ago. I was pulling into our local post office’s parking lot, which was totally congested with cars backing out of spaces, cars waiting to get in to spaces, and simply too many cars squeezed onto one confined patch of asphalt. There was nothing to do but be patient.
A woman pulled up behind me and started honking. Not those polite little “please stop texting–the light is green” honks, but really laying on the horn with caricature road rage.
I laughed out loud, and turned to look at the driver. She was attractive, with long dark hair framing big sunglasses, probably in her late thirties or early forties. Maybe she couldn’t see far enough ahead to know that what she was demanding was impossible. Nope…she had a perfectly clear view. I laughed at her again, just to be sure she saw me.
Once we waited the two excruciatingly long minutes it took to park, we got out of our cars at the same time. I had a vague notion of thinking I should handle the situation with presence, and maybe even compassion. I said in a light tone, “Do you really think that helps?”
“Fuck you!” she said.
“Excuse me?” said I.
She replied louder this time, “FUCK YOU!”
Again, a little voice was calling out from the distance, very much like Cindy Lou Who trying to get Horton’s attention: “Stay conscious, Martha, be compassionate!”
In a half-assed attempt to comply, I said to the woman, “Wow, I am so sorry…for you.”
It had been years since I had exchanged that kind of energy with someone. I didn’t know how to handle it. In my youth–or even ten years ago–I would have jumped at the chance for a slash and burn verbal exchange. I used to excel at it. My witty ego loved taking an opponent down.
But I’d like to think I’ve moved a little higher up the personal development curve by now.
I told myself I was choosing my words carefully, but my response was clearly not coming from a place of compassion. I was trying to embarrass her. If the Universe passed out report cards, I would have gotten a “D” at best for how I reacted to that situation.
The woman’s difficulties continued inside the post office, where there was a long line of customers waiting. “How is she going to handle this?” I asked myself (not out loud this time).
Sure enough, instead of waiting the usual few feet behind the counter until it was her turn, she walked right up to the elderly woman still being helped and set her purse on the counter next to the customer’s elbow. The post office employee just stared neutrally at our angry lady, sensing, perhaps, her short fuse. (Postal workers are no-doubt trained to disarm disgruntled colleagues and customers alike.)
The thing was, I really did feel sorry for her. It’s got to be an awful existence walking around that angry all the time. But I didn’t react in a way that diffused her anger or her pain. Quite the opposite. I reacted to her negativity with my own negative, belittling response, and in doing so brought us both further down. I felt slimy and stinky the rest of the day.
Just Going Through the Motions of Mindfulness
A day or two later, I checked in with Eckhart Tolle’s online talk series. It had been a few months since I had taken the time for an Eckhart refresher. I had replaced my spiritual training with a very practical, secular form of mindfulness and meditation training.
To be honest, the spiritual stuff still scares me a little, at least in terms of being public about it. I haven’t fully embraced a spiritual identity, which for me evokes either church ladies or the spacey Luna Lovegood (who actually is my favorite Harry Potter character).
In the greater scheme of things, listening to the Universe (or Source, or Spirit, or God…whatever you choose to call it) is still very new to me. Most of my family and long-time friends aren’t of the same mindset.
So when I came across mindfulness thought leaders who were approaching the topic using non-spiritual language, I jumped on that bandwagon. Don’t get me wrong–you can practice mindfulness without being spiritual. Successful mindfulness-based stress reduction programs are being implemented in more and more settings, from the military to schools to private sector companies to prisons. And they’re keeping it secular. The research shows these techniques effectively instill a greater sense of calm, clarity, and resiliency in practitioners (click here for more about that).
But the power of mindfulness and meditation, and the potential for it to change our collective consciousness, rests in our ability to tap in to something deeper, that scary power that’s hard to pin down with one name.
By setting aside the spiritual component of my own mindfulness practice, I haven’t been getting the full bang for my buck. Taking the safer, non-spiritual route hasn’t been enough to overcome my deeper karmic patterns, as evidenced by my bitchy response to the angry lady.
Warning: Presence Power Tank on Empty
What I was lacking in the post office parking lot was what Eckhart referred to in his talk as “Presence Power.” I didn’t have a stored reserve of Presence to draw from in that difficult moment.
“Presence Power,” as Eckart explained it, is generated during conscious, mindful moments when things are going smoothly:
“Alertness is there more and more when you take a mindful moment, a conscious moment, a meditative moment. The person subsides, the Presence arises. Something shines through the person. Your personal history doesn’t give you your sense of who you are. It’s the Presence that defines you. … [When you respond to a difficult person with Presence and without judgment] you have transcended the karmic limitations in the other because you have transcended the karmic limitations in yourself.”
(Note: capitalizing “Presence” still scares me a little and makes me think people will laugh at me; I’m trying to get over that.)
Through my meditation practice, I have been trying to expand my number of mindful moments each day. But I realize I’ve only been going through the motions, keeping it on the surface. It’s not like it hasn’t helped. I am undoubtedly less stressed, more clear-headed, and more creative compared to my pre-meditation self.
But the F-bomb altercation showed me that I need to shift to a higher gear to bust my old karmic patterns when the going gets tough. I need to fill up my Presence Power tank. I need to step out of the way so that Life (or the Universe, or Spirit, or whatever you want to call it) can steer the situation in a more compassionate direction when my white-knuckled ego is clutching the wheel.
Baby Steps to Fill Up on Presence Power
Here are just a few opportunities to soak in Presence Power throughout your day:
- Instead of checking your phone at traffic lights, spend 30 mindful seconds generating Presence Power.
- Instead of scanning tabloid headlines in grocery store lines, use that time to open up to Presence Power.
- Instead of turning on the car ignition as soon as you sit down, take a brief moment to invite a little Presence Power.
- Instead of looping your to-do list tape in your head while showering, scrub in some Presence Power.
- Instead of checking email right up to when your next meeting starts, take a few seconds to breathe in some Presence Power.
I’ll be working on this myself going forward. Hopefully I’ll be better prepared the next time I’m faced with a situation that threatens to kick my booty back to my bitchy karmic state.
What about you? Have you been sucked into a less-than-enlightened response to a life event recently? Or better yet, have you overcome a difficult situation with a skilled response?
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Wendy Mackowski says
Hi Martha,
This is great! I love your practical examples of returning to Mindfulness. It sounds like you have made some great progress in your practice over the years. For you, this sounds like it was a “spiritual mirror” bringing up for you what is most calling you at this moment–delving deeper into your spiritual quest. When faced with challenges to our human ego, our default reactions kick in. The only thing I would add to what you said is to remember to forgive yourself more for your human-ness. Stuff is bound to happen and when it does, if you can immediately forgive yourself you will magically become more forgiving and compassionate with others. When we are perfect beings–able to live in the world of ego yet always holding the mindset of our highest spiritual self–then we are called enlightened! (Eckhart is pretty close!!). But for the rest of us, each experience is an opportunity to forgive (ourself and others) and learn and continue on. We seem to always be given another change at it–especially at the Post Office! Namaste!
Martha says
Oh Wendy, your words soothe me! You are absolutely right about remembering to forgive ourselves. I’ve gotten better at that over the years, but am obviously not fully “there.” For me, forgiving myself comes by feeling like I’ve learned something from teaching moments like this one. Can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment! Thanks for sharing your wisdom. xxoo Martha
Carol Cohen says
Martha, I, too, find that automatic self-forgiveness is a big Presence-builder. It takes all the steam out of my “flash flares” of anger. It’s getting simpler as well as easier to notice what just happened and move to a
big breath, stepping back, softening my eyes in response to another’s suffering. Are you familiar with Michael Singer’s book, The Unteathered Soul? It’s my go-to book on this subject. And the last few chapters are the reason I do this work. He’s as good as Eckhart but uses a bit different language. My other big breakthrough is that I simply no longer care what others think about my spiritual path and the funny thing is that I don’t capitalize much of anything anymore except the word Self. Hee hee.
Love, Carol
Martha says
Wonderful to hear from you, Carol! And thanks so much for your thoughtful response. OK, OK, I get it — need to work on the self-forgiveness AND not caring what others think of my spiritual path. I’ll definitely check out The Unteathered Soul (thank you!). And I love love love that you don’t capitalize much any more (capitalizing Self encompasses all of it pretty well, and certainly simplifies things)! Your supportive message goes right to my heart. Warm hugs to you, Martha
cj says
Great post, Martha, and great response under the circumstances. I used to tangle with people here and there, but not much as I am a gentle person and quiet. But now it almost never. Being a musician and giving myself time to do the things I love best have given me the patience I need to deal with difficult people more effectively. Especially the guitar though. If I am not present, I cannot play well. Every practice is a lesson in being present – or not.
Martha says
CJ! I’m trying to imagine you tangling with people, perhaps with a walking stick in hand, but the vision simply evokes giggles. Although our friendship is confined to cyberspace, I know you to be a gentle and quiet person (except when you’re chatting with squirrels). But present you are, that’s for sure. And as for the guitar, I’ve come to believe that magical instrument not only requires presence to play it (as you say), but also sends even stronger flows of presence right back to the player. I think I told you my 15-year-old son got his first guitar this summer. He used to set off fireworks as a stress reliever. Now he picks up the guitar. Aaaahhhhh….Thanks for the comment! ~ Martha
Bill Apablasa says
Thanks for reminding us that we’d all be better off if we started capitalizing Presence in our lives. This post came at the perfect time for me. In fact, every red light I stopped at today, I thought of you…and silently thanked you. Wonderful stuff.
Martha says
Ah Bill, thanks for your “pro” vote to capitalize Presence. Another reader whom I admire only capitalizes “Self,” which gives me food for thought as well. Regardless of what might be behind each person’s concept of capitalization, it does put Presence front and center. What an honor to be thought about at California traffic lights, when I’m all the way in Virginia! Thank you!! ~ Martha
Deb Koua says
Hi Martha, I can normally let things slide, but once after a yoga class I just HAD to say something to the woman next to me who received and responded to two text messages in the middle of class. My son had just had surgery so I had come for some much needed mindfulness time, and she had interrupted me right when I was in the zone. She immediately started explaining how her child was sick, she needed to be in touch with people, blah, blah, blah. I walked away rather than get into a competition as to who was having a more stressful week, so she went and asked the instructor if having the phone in class was OK and was gently told no. The interaction did not really make me feel better, and I know I was being selfish, but I do feel it is OK to try to call people out on unacceptable behavior. And, at my next visit I notice that the studio had prominently posted a “No cell phones” sign!
James says
This year’s Project 365 for me is going to be all about Presence Power. Thank you. Your timing on your New Year’s post couldn’t have been more perfect.
Martha says
Happy New Year, James! Your 2013 Project 365 photographs illustrated beautifully the link between photography and presence. I can’t wait to see what you do with Presence Power in 2014. I had hoped to play with my new macro lens while on vacation at Whistler this week (no snow, but great times with my sister and brother-in-law), but the lens seems to be broken. :-( I’ll get that sorted out after I’m back in Virginia in a few days. Still trying to drum up the courage to commit to Project 365 myself. A photograph every single day for a year? Really?