My son comes home from college this week, his first visit since we moved him to Atlanta in August. It was an exciting beginning for him after a bittersweet end to his high school years.
He will drop his suitcase in his new, smaller bedroom. We have done our best to create a welcoming space for him after he granted permission for his younger brother to move into the slightly larger corner bedroom. It’s a full circle move, since his own beginnings were in this room when he was still in a crib.
Before he even gets to the new room, however, he will be forced to feel an ending that the rest of us have been processing for the past two weeks. Spirit, our soul-dog, won’t be waiting for him at the door for the first time in 13 1/2 years.
On moving day back in August, my son took extra time to say goodbye to Spirit, pressing his forehead against the dog’s and whispering things I couldn’t hear. We all knew Spirit’s days were numbered (as they are for all of us). But I, for one, never believed that would be the last time they saw each other. I am still confident about that, if you take the confines of our planet and earthly bodies out of the equation.
But liver and kidney failure is hard to argue with in an old dog. It was the same week that Brittany Maynard, the 29-year-old with terminal brain cancer, took advantage of Oregon’s Death with Dignity Act to end her own life with medication. Her death was on her own terms after completing her bucket list of travel adventures with her husband. She and her family were at peace at the end.
The same was true with Spirit. All four of us had our companion’s comfort at the forefront. Invasive procedures were off the table. Prolonging things for as long as possible made no sense. I was grateful that my boys were selfless in that regard. Their capacity for acceptance was tested, and they passed.
Giving Spirit a quiet, pain-free departure, with his family (even my 16-year-old) caressing him and feeding him treats was the greatest gift we could give him. It only took ten seconds once the medication was administered.
It was a good end to a good life, and I’m thankful for that. It’s the kind of end I want for myself one day (we may need to move to Oregon).
But the gap in the household is palpable, and my eldest will feel it the instant he walks through the door. Spirit’s exuberance made it hard to enter the house, especially if you were carrying a suitcase. He’d throw his 90-pound-body against you in a dog hug, covering your pants in an instant with white dog hair. His wagging tail thumped against walls, legs, suitcases. It was like being greeted by the drum section of a marching band.
Spirit was a permanent fixture at my feet every morning while I wrote in the quiet hours before the rest of the house stirred. He was my gardening buddy, my running buddy (in the early years of my running, as least, until he had a seizure on the trail one day), and my breast cancer recovery buddy, lying next to my bed while I recuperated after each surgery. My boys spent countless hours on the floor with him, their heads resting on his chest or his on theirs. His connection to each and every one of us, including his grandparents, was deep and unflappable.
That dog earned his keep, even when that keep amounted to many thousands of dollars over the course of his life to pay for seizure treatment that started when he was just two. And let’s not forget the operation to pluck the chocolate covered plastic egg from his intestines when we lived in Germany. There was never any question that he was worth it.
In every book about near death experiences I’ve read–and I happen to have read several of them in recent years–animals are all over the place on the other side. Everyone (humans and animals alike) have healthy, pain free bodies. Spirit’s end with us in this realm is just the beginning for him in a better place. He can run and jump and search for large shopping bags filled with German chocolate.
I still open the laundry room door when I get up each morning, not really expecting him to be lying on his bed there, but to rekindle the bond that I will always carry in my heart. I imagine him here with me, lying at my feet as I write this post, and it comforts me. It is not really the end. It never will be. We’re all just here for the blink of an eye before the next new beginning. I still feel as closely connected to him in spirit as I did before.
His departure did impact another ending, however. I finished the final chapter of my book just days before Spirit died. The last line had my old dog lying on the driveway while I worked in the garden. Rewriting that scene sucked, plain and simple.
We will move forward. Another dog is in our future at some point, when the time is right. I will transition from book writing to book marketing (and hopefully resuming a more regular blog schedule).
We’ll feel Spirit’s absence deeply this week, but our happiness at having our son home will ease the pain.
Holiday cooking will be the hardest part. I never realized how much food falls on the floor until he was gone.
Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with love, laughter, and gratitude.
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Marcia says
Such a wonderful tribute to Spirit, and to the love that has been a constant within your family. We are grateful that although it was Spirit’s time to move on, you are very much with us. Wishing you and the family a healthy year ahead. We are also grateful for your mindfulness and writing by which you keep us all thinking and feeling – and ever more grateful!
Martha says
And I am grateful for my decades-long friendship with you, Marcia. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Dave, and the rest of your family. Thanks for your support and encouragement every step of the way. xxoo Martha
Katherine in VA says
Beautiful, Martha! I read this with Oliver snuggled up next to me and I understand the big hole in your lives. Dogs teach us every day about unconditional love!
Martha says
Do give Oliver an extra squeeze for me, Katherine. And enjoy having your whole brood home for Thanksgiving! Thanks so much for letting me know you enjoyed the post. xxoo Martha
Alison Stein says
beaurtiful sentiments Martha. I can relate, especially now. Thank you for sharing your many gifts. Happy US thanksgiving!
Martha says
So lovely to hear from you, Alison, and thanks for the kind words. Are you going through or approaching a similar transition? Will hold you in my heart. My apologies for missing Canada’s Thanksgiving on October 13. I think it makes sense to spread the gratitude holidays out a bit, don’t you? But does that mean Christmas music starts playing in Canada in October?? xxoo Martha
Jane Rutkowski says
Martha,
I was so touched when I read this post. An animal lover all my life, I have shared the same journey you’ve experienced many times. In the last eight years my family and I have helped with our local Neuter And Spay Feral Cat Program. A few of the rescues had even become full fledged members of our family. We only have one right now, but after the holidays we would like to take in another cat or kitten. There’s always room for one more ….
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving,
Janie
Martha says
Jane, what a lovely comment. And what a gift you are giving to those little souls in need of a rescuer. Our dog was quite large. I laugh when I imagine a whole house full of Spirits. Animals are so fully present in the moment, though, aren’t they? Spirit was a wonderful teacher for me in that regard. I’m sure you experience the same with your kitties. Thanks so much for the visit. ~ Martha
Bill Apablasa says
Martha…can’t tell you how much I loved this post. It takes me right back to when my dog Murphy died more than 10 years ago. I still remember the moment I whispered in his ears for the last time. Beautiful, beautiful post. Thanks!
Martha says
Greetings, Bill! In yet another of the odd links we’ve discovered over the course of our blogging friendship, close family friends lost their dog Murphy just last week. Good people choose good names and raise good dogs. Or the dogs raise us — it all gets blurred after a while. Hope you are well! Always love to hear from you. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! ~ Martha
Elke says
Dearest Martha,
it made me feel really sad to read todays post. I remember how sad our little son Kai (today 33 years old and living in Berlin) was when his wonderful rabbit “Willi” died and it took us quite some time to get used to living without him. Still today, so many year later, I think of Willi when I see “Löwenzahn” growing as he loved that so much. I am sure it will help a little when your son comes home from college for the first time and I am sure a new kind of relationship will start between him and his parents. All the best to you and have a nice time together. Love Elke Heuser (Ditzingen)
Martha says
Even in death, Spirit is giving me gifts, Elke, a good example of which is hearing from you. Thanks for sharing your story (I must look up Loewenzahn). You were, I believe, at the breakfast I hosted on Floridastrasse when Spirit ate the very fancy pastry I made for my guests. It literally took me days to make (since I messed up the layered dough and had to redo it twice). My beautiful creation (a braided “Princess Ring”) was cooling on the counter while I drove the boys to school. You should have seen me jumping up and down, yelling at the dog when I came home just minutes before my guests were due. I presented the empty tray with white dog hair stuck to it and said, “This is what I baked for you.” We made do with eggs and store-bought croissants that morning. Just one of many such stories about my wonderful (but sometimes bad boy) dog. xxoo Martha
Francine says
Beautiful, touching and heartbreaking. There are no words to comfort, only time seems to work. And appreciation for all the time and memories you had with Spirit.
Martha says
I know you feel our pain, Francine! Hope your new puppy is filling the house with smiles. xxoo Martha
Ellen Van Buren says
Martha, such a beautifully written piece about my beloved grand dog . I have loved all the dogs in my life. Perhaps because Spirit came into my life in my later years and we aged together he became my most special dog. I am grateful for my time with him on his last day. When he could no longer rise to greet visitors, it became obvious that it was time to “move on”. He had the most fantastic family any dog could have asked for. And so for hm, I say “Thank you- Martha, Mark, Cody and Jacob. I was a lucky dog!”
Martha says
Thanks so much, Mom. Spirit loved you as much as he loved us. We’ll never forget all the support you provided for him over the years (including having to clean up after his seizures in your bathroom)! We are all lucky dogs. xxoo Martha