This article first appeared on Huffington Post on 6/17/2016. Happy Father’s Day!
What Mindfulness Has Taught Me About Father’s Day
My father died 39 years ago, just a few days after my thirteenth birthday. Since he chose to take his own life, Father’s Day triggered sadness and self-pity for many years.
The more painful truth, though, is that when I learned he was gone, the deepest part of my young heart felt relief for him.
My earliest memories of my handsome, brilliant father—whose hands were once on the cover of Life magazine performing one of the earliest liver transplants—were fraught with mixed emotions. He loved me deeply, and let me know it. Despite that, I could never crack the core of his bipolar disorder-induced despair, no matter how hard I tried.
His suffering was palpable to me and seeped into my own tender skin. So even while I wailed in my mother’s arms upon hearing the news of his death, a small voice whispered, “At least he’s not suffering anymore.”
Years of therapy helped me realize that I could never have made him happy, could never have saved his life. Eventually I stopped counting the days in the run-up to Father’s Day, stopped planning that I would be miserable, and got through the day in a relatively neutral frame of mind.
How Mindfulness Has Nurtured a New Sense of Gratitude on Father’s Day
Six years ago, while recovering from breast cancer, I stumbled into mindfulness practice quite by accident.
I discovered that I was spending most of my time focused on the future, with intermittent periods of being mired in the past. I was missing out on the beauty of life in the present moment, the only place where anything real happens.
Most shocking of all was learning that I have a choice in which thoughts to buy into. I can allow thoughts that don’t serve me to float away. I can decide what memories to include in my highlight reel.
Learning these truths on an intellectual level is one thing. Unleashing the full power of present moment awareness requires a lot of practice. Nurturing a daily meditation habit has been key to translating theory into results.
My personal experience is in line with the mountain of neuroscience research results on the benefits of mindfulness meditation. Daily practice in the art of carving out a few minutes of stillness to observe my thought patterns has strengthened my capacity for:
- Acceptance
- Non-judgment
- Compassion
- Empathy
- Forgiveness
- Sense of connectedness
- Gratitude
My Father’s Day Highlight Reel
Instead of replaying the sad memories that trigger suffering, this Father’s Day my highlight reel will feature these memories:
The times I stood on my father’s feet as a little girl while he danced us around the living room.
The many mornings I watched him slather his face with shaving cream, pull his mouth to one side to stretch the cheek skin tight, and drag the razor through the white foam to clear smooth Zamboni tracks. Once both cheeks and his mustache were done, I held my breath while he shaved the thin casing of his throat.
The smell of his Old Spice aftershave after he shook it from the ivory colored glass bottle with the strange metal stopper and slapped it onto his face.
The soft amber leather and black stitching of the baseball glove he bought and oiled for me before taking me to a park to play catch. The heft of the softball as I snatched it from the air.
Riding the chairlift with him to the top of a black diamond ski run in Colorado when I was in kindergarten and coming across a mountain goat on the slow descent down. This is a mixed memory, since I was petrified of the difficulty of the run but didn’t want to disappoint him. Looking back, however, I see the confidence he had in me as a gift.
And finally, getting behind the wheel of my father’s car on my thirteenth birthday when he announced it was time for me to learn to drive. My feet barely hit the pedals and I suggested this might not be a good idea, but he insisted. When he died eight days later, I understood.
For most of my life I focused on the irresponsibility of that driving lesson. This Father’s Day, I’m reframing it as the final indication of his love for me. He knew he was checking out, but not before teaching his youngest child to drive.
And those other memories linked to his depths of suffering, the ones I’m not choosing for my highlight reel? Those episodes made me stronger too. They taught me to live my life to the fullest, attend to my mental and physical health, and seek treatment for both when needed. They taught me to cherish the gift of life and loved ones, since you never know how long any of us will be here.
Having a positive highlight reel doesn’t mean burying the hard parts. With practice, we can honor the role of tough times in our lives and let the negative emotions go. Each stepping stone along the way, including the sharpest, most painful ones, shape us in positive ways if we stay open to learning the lessons.
It took therapy to get me to a point of neutrality on Father’s Day. It took mindfulness to get me to a point of gratitude.
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Eden Cook says
Beautifully said, mindfully written-consciously lived. Happy Days my friend! Thanks for writing this- it was perfect timing.
Martha Brettschneider says
Thanks for your kind and loving words, Eden! Hugs to you, my friend. ~ Martha
F Butler says
Beautiful article that resonates deeply with me. Putting on a loving lens when looking into the past allows us to uncover so much beauty where previously we may have only been able to see despair and hurt. I love the term “highlight reel” and the intention of honoring an important person in your life by focusing on the beautiful memories that you shared.
My father did not take his life but he essentially ended his relationship with his family through alcohol abuse and his untreated unstable and violent behavior. He is still alive but I have not seen him in 20 years. Through a lot of reflection and mindfulness I have been able to develop a positive relationship with who my father was when he was healthy. That is the person, who I can honor in my heart on Father’s Day and with that I have love in my heart and gratitude when I think of him.
Martha Brettschneider says
Oh Ike, thank you for sharing your story. “Developing a positive relationship with who my father was when he was healthy…” — amen to that, sister! We all have the power to make that choice. In other words, we all have the power to reduce our own suffering. We need to hear more stories like yours. Wrapping you in loving energy! ~ Martha <3
Tammy R says
What a beautiful post and approach. I love how you reflected on the driving moment both as a younger you and now through the lense of mindfulness. I think that, by sharing these moments, you are helping others make connections to their own lives. Thank you, Martha!
Martha Brettschneider says
Lovely to hear from you, Tammy! I’m so happy you liked the post. Your words of encouragement mean the world to me. With gratitude, Martha P.S. Do you have plans to share your own stories once again? I miss your blog!
Tammy R says
Good morning, Martha. We combined our love for walking, habit formation, and my love for writing. Once again, we’re online at New You Walking and Striding (.com). It is a service-based website, though we do hope to include our zany ways. The only way to be in the world is to be uniquely “you,” right?
Hope you’re enjoying your day!
Carol Gardner says
Great article Martha . My father also suffered from bipolar disorder… after many years of turmoil, with treatment, he finally found peace (sort of..) Although he passed at the young age of 68 from Cancer, the last 10 years of his life and our relationship was good. I am grateful for that. My brother also suffered from mental illness depression and took his life at the age of 41… Like you, I was relieved that he was no longer in pain because he struggled for so long. It took me a very long time to “forgive” him. I was angry at what it did to my Mom. I am working on not being mired in the past or worrying about the future . Thank you for this article and for your book Blooming Into Mindfulness. Just about finished reading it. Love it!
Martha Brettschneider says
Thank you for sharing your story, Carol. I’m so very sorry about your brother. I find it interesting that it often seems harder to let go of anger on someone else’s behalf. It’s a “stickier” sort of suffering somehow. What a gift, though, to have had those few years of a relationship with your father when he was being treated successfully. Thanks for your kind words, both about the post and about my book! Big hugs to you ~ Martha
Bill Apablasa says
What a beautiful article, and such a powerful reminder of what is possible when we choose how we want to view the world! I am inspired. Thank you!