My friend Mari took flight from her cancer-riddled body last week, on September 16th.
Back in June, shortly after we met, Mari wrote this to me:
“I am receiving chemo as we speak…..I was told yesterday I am near the end….my doc is quite negative……I have brain mets and my markers have gone up…..my surgery was April 2014…..7 lb. tumor……wow! I gave birth to all my sadness, all my pain ……I am working on the meaning of NOW…..I don’t know what will happen next…….Roswell Park Cancer Institute on Friday for a second opinion…..I get scared…..not of death, just of meaninglessness.”
In the short period of time that I had the honor of knowing this woman, Mari Ellen Ryan brought a degree of meaning to my life that I am still not able to articulate fully. Our interaction started out in the most vulnerable place possible—sharing with one another painful parts of our journeys and how those difficult times have transformed us. (We met when Mari wrote to me after reading my piece What Mindfulness Taught Me about Father’s Day, also titled on another site What Mindfulness Taught Me About My Father’s Suicide.)
Mari and I didn’t know how much time she had left, so we didn’t waste time hiding behind masks. We didn’t take time to “get to know one another” before diving deep. We didn’t squander time on fear or insecurity.
So many people are too frightened to have an authentic conversation with another human being, especially when that other person is near the end of their life. Mari drew people in with her warmth and connection, invited profound, truth-telling conversation.
“After being so desperate to be loved most of my life, chasing after it in unhealthy ways, I am astounded by how much love is flooding to me right now. It’s coming from every direction. Every person I meet is at a crossroads of some kind, just as I am. Our conversations are long and deep and meaningful. It’s wonderful.”
Here’s the secret: Mari wasn’t afraid to show people she loved them, right from the outset. It wasn’t a needy kind of love. She wanted YOU to feel loved. She connected with people immediately at the soul-level because she had shed every ounce of ego in her interactions. By the time I met her, she was done with pandering and inauthentic communication, done with time-wasting surface chatter.
The truth is, time is short for all of us, whether we have days, weeks, or decades left to live.
If all of us could shed our fears and open ourselves to our innate connection with the rest of life on this planet, we could experience the deep sense of fulfillment and love that Mari described to me.
Meaningless life? I think not, my friend.
May these flowers reach you and remind you that I love you and will always carry you in my heart.
You can read my short interview of Mari and see a sample of her artwork here.
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Juli Norris says
What a beautiful story you have shared Martha! It makes me wish I had also had the opportunity to get to know her; it sounds like I could have learned a lot from her, her attitude is truly uplifting. But even though I did not get a chance to meet her, I have been inspired by her through you, through the original posting and this one as well. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Martha Brettschneider says
Thank you Juli! Coming from you–a woman who inspires so many people with her own courageous journey through various types and stages of cancer–this means a lot. I’m so grateful for your care and kindness! ~ Martha
Tammy says
Oh Martha. When I saw her name in the title, I was scared to read this and then I remembered your previous story with her and knew that Mari wouldn’t want anyone to be scared to read her story. What a beautiful person and friend. I’m so glad she reached out to you so that we could all benefit from her perspective in living in the present moment. I hope you are doing ok. Many thanks for writing about this very special person.
mary zane says
Your phrase “took flight from her cancer riddled body” was enormously touching, Martha.Too often we read ” succumbed to” or “lost his/her battle with cancer”.Your words are so gentle and comforting.
Martha Brettschneider says
Sorry for the delay in responding to your lovely comment, Mary! Yes, I am very careful with my words these days. Semantics really do make a difference in our choice of energy we put out in the world. Mary was a winner, not a loser. She conquered, rather than succumbed. I was so lucky to have known her (and to know her still). Thank you for your kind remarks! ~ Martha
Alys Milner says
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. What a lovely tribute to her here today, and what a beautiful time you shared.
Life is short. It’s good to be reminded of that again and again.
Martha Brettschneider says
I know you are someone who appreciates the fleeting nature of life, Alys. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I feel at peace when I think of Mari, which tells me she’s in a better place, liberated and joyful. That makes me happy. xxoo Martha